I had a serious bout of “but I don’t want to be an adult anymore!” last night.
Sometime between walking into the house to discover that the main water line to the house had backed up – for the third time – and opening the twice-as-much-as-expected power bill, my brain just decided to shut off. I bailed water out of the house, I put the bills in the “to be paid” pile, I still got dinner going, and even managed to build a fire in our fireplace (which has been a saving grace of relaxation the last few days) – but beyond that small 1/10th of my brain that was keeping me going, I wanted to curl up and throw a tempter tantrum.
Most days I do pretty well – and love life. Every once in a while, though, I realize that at 23 I feel like I *should* be … somewhere else? I never really had Big Plans of Getting The Perfect Job or getting the Nobel or such, but I always imagined that life would have started to coalesce more at this point. That money wouldn’t be a practically constant concern. That I could relax more. That adventures of the not-so-mundane style could ensue.
A highly statistically significant portion of my high school class is now married, mostly with kids. I find nothing wrong with that choice- and in many ways envy things about it. On the same token, I always knew that wasn’t for me. I don’t think I’m grasping as much these days to figure out who I am – I am, however, conscious of the fact that I still don’t “feel” like a grownup. In many ways, I feel like I’m just the same overgrown 12 year old with too much self-imposed responsibility that my parents claim I’ve been since the age of 9.
Some days, I wonder what not caring would be like. Then I realize that no matter how much I wonder, I could never be happy not caring. I just want to find a way to balance them.
December 11, 2007 at 1:45 pm
I know all too well how you feel. I am going through that same shit at 26…
You really just want to go back to the days when you lived in the parents basement and nothing was ever really your problem. You could just coast along.
But I agree, no matter how bad things get, at the end of the day when you have over come those things, you feel… and in not wrong terms… better than anyone who isn’t doing what you are doing.
You have made the leap to adulthood, no doubt it is tough. I am 26, been here for around 7 years now and I have seen a lot of adulthood, but I have TONS more to go.
The part that is hard for me is thinking that at 26 I am still “young”. I know people who are still doing what they love at 50-60-70 years old, and I can’t imagine working my ass off til then. No I will be retired I hope before 60. I want to spend those years recessing back to doing nothing and damned well enjoying it.
December 11, 2007 at 7:26 pm
Ok so we have to put the fact that most of your high school class is married: you grew up in Mormon-ville. Of course they’re married. Even if they did go to college they were being pressured to graduate with their M.R.S..
Its okay to not want to be an adult. It will get better some days and some days it will be worse. Hang in there!